So sorry about not writing about dates, I haven’t really been in the mood to go on them lately. Also, I’ve been lacking in choices of men to go on dates with.
Anyways, this is a post inspired by the suggestion of both Matt79 and Miss JC. I’ve tweaked it a little in the sense that I’m giving a snippet of my dating life in opposed to a whole summary, because that’s just exhausting. If you want my dating history in a nutshell, it’s basically a collection of all the wrong men. Short and simple. But today I will give everyone a glimpse of my freshman year of college….
Freshman year of college was probably one of the most eye-opening, amazing experiences in my life…that I would never, ever relive. Haha. From living in the dorms with a bunch of strangers, to all the ridiculous parties I went to, saying it was an experience is almost an understatement.
Our dorms were co-ed, with the guys living on one side of the floor and the girls living on the other. I had a really hard time making friends with the girls initially, which was really weird for me because I was such a social person in high school. So I ended up becoming friends with all the guys…naturally. I initially had a thing with one of them, but he turned out to be a complete asshole so that ended pretty quick. But his neighbor and me became extremely close. We’ll just go ahead and nickname this one “First” (no, I didn’t lose my v-card to him, he was just the first guy I really, truly, wholeheartedly cared about and thought I really was in love with).
We had met the same time I had met all the other guys, and him and his roommate seemed to be the most normal guys on the floor. They had grown up about 2 or 3 cities away from where I had grown up, so that was also comforting considering almost everyone else was from the East coast. I hung out with “First” and his roommate a lot, going to parties with them and basically seeing them everyday. I’m not too sure when “First” and I became as close as we did, but we started hanging out just by ourselves without our friends. A lot. (Sidenote: a lot of my freshman year was a drunken blur, so I apologize for any inconsistencies in writing this) I remember every morning, he’d come get me from my side of the dorm and we’d go to breakfast together. Then go to classes, meet up after classes, go to dinner together, then just spend the rest of our night together. This was literally an everyday thing. Initially he had been in this open relationship thing with this girl he had been dating in high school, but then that fizzled pretty fast. Probably because me and him would spend the night together quite often (weirdly enough, nothing sexual…seriously, I don’t know what it is with me and all these non-sexual guys, fuck that shit) , and we had mentioned something about it in a message on Facebook (which she had his password for). Anyways, we continued this for several months, from the first semester of freshman year to 2 months shy of freshman year ending. And initially, it was wonderful. He was great – he would do anything for me. In fact, I was so upset one night and didn’t want to even go out, but him and his friends had intended on going out. Last minute, as I was walking up to my dorm having said goodbye to him and his friends, he comes rushing in and decides he doesn’t want to go to the party either and wants to just hang out with me. Seriously, that kind of great. I remember for Christmas, we bought each other pretty expensive stuff, and for him not really having a job I was pretty impressed. Later on in the year, he mentioned that he “loved” me (there’s a reason that’s in quotes), and of course I said it back. I truly believed this was the guy for me – I thought he was perfect. He was everything I looked for in a guy (smart, funny, attractive, plays sports (soccer), played piano (very well at that), kind, caring, etc.) and so much more!! But of course, with every great story, there’s always a downfall….
He always referred to us as just friends. Even though we hung out on every spare chance we got, spent the night together a couple of times a week, knew everything about one another, even met (on numerous occasions) each other’s parents (his parents loved me, didn’t understand why he had ever dated that other girl to begin with and said I was much better), there was no reference to being boyfriend and girlfriend. Granted, everyone thought we were, but between us there was no acknowledgement of that. I was under the assumption that maybe he just didn’t want the title or whatever (yes dumb on my part). He was everything to me…I even changed myself to be of his liking. I’ve always been a girly girl and have loved getting done up with the makeup and the hair and the sexy outfits all the time…but he didn’t like that. So I stopped wearing a ton of makeup, wearing no makeup most of the time, bought more conservative outfits and what not. He also didn’t like to go out very much, so I found myself staying in a LOT and not partying. For me, I was doing what he wanted to do so I was okay with it. The “breaking point” happened when I decided to officially tell him how I felt about him (as if saying “I love you” and hanging out all the time didn’t already say that). I got super drunk with my best friend, “Tinky Winky Pooh Bear” and when he got home from wherever he was, I spilled it all. Obviously, I was drunk at the time so I didn’t remember exactly what happened, but I know it wasn’t good. I remember him saying something along the lines of not liking me “like that” and when he said he loved me, it was like a little sister. (WHAT THE FUCK? Who the hell spends that much time and spends the night with their sister?! )
I was devastated. I had literally spent all those months with this guy, hanging out with him constantly, telling him everything about myself, emotionally involving myself with him completely…all for nothing. Since this was my “first real love,” I became super depressed. I stopped eating, stopped going to class, and started drinking profusely. I would cry every night to my best friend about the situation. But little did I know that this was all for the best…
After this whole situation went down, I realized that I had become something that I wasn’t. I had always been the girly girl, loving to get dolled up, and wearing something (somewhat) scandalous. I loved being social and going out every weekend. But with him, I didn’t do any of those things. I had completely changed who I was just for this guy. I also didn’t have very many friends after him and I realized that I had ditched everyone for this one guy. So while it took me awhile to realize all this, I think my situation with him was a learning experience in the end. It made me realize that I shouldn’t change myself for any guy, no matter the situation or how much he claims to care about me – a guy should love me for me, faults and everything. A guy should also let me be who I am and not try to change me (which I felt like he did). I also realized that I should never ditch my friends for any guy. And this is why I strongly believe that a relationship should be the association of two individuals, not two people coming together to become one entity. A person must be their own person in a relationship, not the creation of someone else, or an appendage of a whole.
So life went on for me, and this forced me to do a lot of things I am now grateful for. I became friends with my neighbor in the dorms (who I am still close to to this day =), love you if you’re reading this!! ), I ended up hanging out with another group of guys who are now some of my bestest friends ever, and I went back to being myself. I will say that I am thankful that he got me to stop wearing so much makeup, because while I still do enjoy getting dolled up with fancy makeup and hair, I realized I am just as amazing without it. =) But all in all, I was much happier without him than I had been with him, even though it took me awhile to figure that out.
What happened to “First”? Well…he kind of went off the deep end. Seems to be a trend with the guys I have some type of intense relationship with. After freshman year, he decided to go to Alaska to go deep sea fishing for awhile. We tried being friends after that, but apparently I had “changed” too much for him. He stopped talking to pretty much everyone he had been friends with and became super introverted (or more so reverted back to his introverted ways). No one I know really talks to him anymore. We did speak over Facebook chat sometime at the beginning of this year, and he admitted the only time he felt okay being social was with me, and that I brought out that quality in him.