Note: The nickname “Mr. Big” does not refer to anything anatomical (you sick fucks). Refer to *The Rules* to understand the meaning of this nickname.
I was going to write this entry last night, but I figured today would be the perfect day to write this considering the irony in the day. I’m not going to lie, my situation with this person is still a very touchy subject. Sometimes I feel like I’m completely over him, but then someone reminds me of him and I either get really upset or have reminiscent thoughts, which inevitably lead to me being upset. This will probably be one of my most vulnerable blog entries due to the nature of the situation.
Then…. Honestly, nothing was supposed to happen between me and “Mr. Big (Present)”.
Things had recently turned pretty bad between me and “Box Office Hipster,” but I was still somewhat hopeful that things would change and he would come running back to me, saying he made a mistake and he didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did. At the same time, I wanted to get my mind off him and perhaps find a guy to shove in his face and say, “Ha! I got someone better than you, ya douche!” The problem is that I am VERY picky, so not just any guy will do for me. I can flirt and flatter and pretty much convince a guy I’m in love with him….but in reality, I’m probably just having fun. So finding someone to get over him with was a pretty big task.
I told my friend this one weekend and she made a bet with me (over a few drinks) that I would find someone new that night with her help. I of course took the bet because 1.) I never back down on bets and 2.) I knew there was no way she was going to win this; I’m just too picky! So we go out that night and I was just concentrated on having fun. I drank and danced and I got pretty drunk. We were at my favorite club downtown so of course I was having fun. Now, a lot of what I’m going to write about next I had to be reminded about (by “Mr. Big (Present) himself, a couple months later), because I honestly thought this situation happened differently (oh, alcohol…the things you make me forget). My friend starts talking to two guys that she knew somehow and introduces me. I say hi and introduce myself, but I don’t think anything of it – I’m just trying to dance! Again, a lot of the night was a blur, but I do remember us leaving the club to go to another bar. “Mr. Big (Present)” follows us (still don’t know his name at this point) to the other bar for some reason. Again, can’t really remember what went on in the bar. What I do remember is sitting down and making “Mr. Big (Present)” sit by me. All of a sudden, my friend says, “You two should make out,” speaking to me and “Mr. Big (Present)”. So I grabbed his head and made out with him. I remember taking some pictures of us two in between the making out, but then I grabbed his head again and made out with him yet again. Once again, the night remained blurry after that, but I do recall him asking for my number. Me, who never gives my number out, gave him my number. Clearly, I was pretty inebriated.
The next day, I saw that “Mr. Big (Present)” had texted me. He said something along the lines of us hanging out again and I just said, “Yea, for sure!” to be nice, with no intentions of ever seeing him again. To make things even worse, I’m a shallow bitch and after looking at the pictures I took of us on my camera, I decided he wasn’t “hot” enough for me. I asked my friend what his name was so I could look him up on Facebook, and even after stalking him a bit, I still didn’t think he was that attractive. Yes, I am a total shallow bitch.
So for the next few weeks, I would get a text message from him periodically to hang out. At this point, I hadn’t even saved his number in my phone, because, again, I didn’t think he was attractive enough for me so I saw no point in keeping his number. I would make up any excuse (some actually being real) I could to not hang out with him. Plus, I was still hung up on “Box Office Hipster” so I wasn’t really trying to hang out with anyone else. This continued for about a month to a month and a half, with him sending me periodic text messages asking to hang out, and with me, number still not saved, declining. Though I was nice and decided to add him on Facebook. =)
Finally, I decided to give in a little. Since I didn’t have his number saved, at one point I wasn’t even sure if it was still him texting me. I thought that maybe I had accidentally given my number out again and it was someone else. So I asked my friend who had initially told us to make out if it was his number, and it was. One weekend, he texted me to see what I was up to, and I told him to meet up with me and my friends at a bar. He did so, and he was very sweet, buying me drinks and what not. I’m not sure if it was because our first meeting was such a drunken experience that I couldn’t even remember his name, or if it was because it was our first time talking coherently, but it was kind of awkward. He tried to get me to go back to his house with him, but I declined.
He texted me a couple more times that weekend to hang out, and during a break I had at work one day I decided to go hang out with him at his house. Now, I honestly thought that it was going to be super awkward since this would be the first time we were hanging out sober, but it was actually amazing. It was so refreshing to be hanging out with someone who was so easy going and laid back (unlike “Box Office Hipster”). We got along really well! And I made the realization that maybe he wasn’t as unattractive as I initially thought. He made me laugh a lot and I’m not one to sleep around, (I’m even pickier with this than I am with meeting guys) but let’s just say other things happened. ;-). It was definitely the best break I’ve ever had in between shifts at work.
This type of “relationship” continued on for some time. He was helping me get over “Box Office Hipster” and he had mentioned that he sucks at relationships and pretty much gave me every indication he didn’t want one, so it was perfect. It was a purely sexual thing. But at the same time, we had great conversations and he truly was a great guy: athletic and in great shape (seriously, killer body), super smart, interested in music (specifically piano), really laid back and easy going, we had a lot of things in common – seriously this guy was practically perfect! So different than “Box Office Hipster,” it made me wonder why I had even liked him in the first place. This continued for about 2 or 3 months. Over time, not sure when it happened, but I found myself starting to really fall for him. But I remember him saying that he sucked at relationships (to the point of cheating), so I didn’t want to push anything or scare him. I definitely still tried to play hard to get and tried to act like I didn’t like him, but I really did. I think I even told some of my friends that I didn’t like him more than anything other than sexually at one point. I was okay with where we were at, because he was really good to me and we got along so well; at this point I really didn’t care if we were in a relationship because I liked what was going on.
But of course, every lovely story comes to an end. Thanks to the lovely Facebook, only a week after he had invited me to come to Water World with him (which I had declined) and only two weeks after we had “had fun,” I find out that he had gotten a girlfriend. To be honest, this really hurt me. He had given me every indication that he didn’t want a girlfriend, and then for me to find out over Facebook that he got one out of nowhere? And on top of that, she wasn’t/isn’t pretty. So that made me feel even more like shit. I wrote him some mean message and then left it at that. I was upset, but what could I do? A couple months later, he started talking to me again and we were able to maintain somewhat of a “friendship.” I never brought up how I felt about the situation since the message I had sent him, and we left it at that. We were “friends.” I remember seeing him once over the summer and his girlfriend wasn’t around, so he pretty much followed me everywhere and kept flirting (inappropriately) with me. But besides that, it was pretty much just a couple texts here and there, or some messages on Facebook.
Sometime towards the end of last year, he began to text me a lot more than usual. He even started asking me to hang out. I wasn’t sure if he was still with his girlfriend or not, but I decided one night to hang out with him. I honestly thought we were just going to grab a couple beers and shoot the shit somewhere, but we ended up just staying at his place and watching a movie. He tried so hard to kiss me and stuff, but I actually cared about him and I didn’t want him cheating on his girlfriend, so I resisted. The following week, I actually had the balls to ask him whether they were still together, and he told me that they had broken up (which I’m beginning to doubt now). I don’t condone cheating, so I was happy that he wasn’t doing that. Of course things happened, and I was a happy girl. I thought that finally things were looking up for us. I tried to be a little more forward than before, trying to talk to him more instead of playing hard to get. But then maybe a week after all this, I saw that his supposed ex-girlfriend had been writing on his Facebook a lot and had even attempted to add me as a friend, which made me suspicious. So I asked him what the deal was, and while he claimed he didn’t know, he did mention that they were getting back together. I got really upset and told him that, and all he could do was apologize.
Now….We’re not on speaking terms (per my wishes). After all that happened, I honestly just felt used. He claimed that he wasn’t using me, but I find it hard to believe (which I told him). He said he still wanted to be friends, but we were never really friends to begin with so I didn’t see the point. I told him that maybe sometime in the future we could be friends, but it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
Looking back, I honestly wonder if the reason things are the way they are now were inevitably my fault. Being so guarded with my feelings after being hurt so much in the past, I have a hard time showing people how I truly feel, especially when it comes to intimate feelings such as that. I feel like maybe he never knew how I truly felt, and like people in the past (“Box Office Hipster”) thought I wasn’t really that into him. I feel that if I had just been a little bit more forward, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they had and maybe things would be better. Or maybe I’m just making shit up and he really was just using me all this time and I fell for it.
I debate on a constant basis whether I should just let things pan out how they are, or fight for what I really want: him. All I know is that every time I think of how he’s not in my life, I get really upset. And honestly, I really do miss him. I miss talking to him and miss hanging out with him. But for the time being, for the sake of my own happiness, I’ll forget about him, and concentrate on the 46 more dates I still need to go on….