Tag Archive | Feelings

…And This is Why I Don’t Like Falling for Guys….

Well, I seem to be joining the trend of many of the people here in the dating blog community.

I finally grew some balls and put everything (that might be an exaggeration, but it’s everything based on how I handle things) out on the table with “Future Hubby”.  Things have been rocky for awhile, which is partially why I haven’t made any updates.  I guess I just didn’t want to come to terms with the shitty way things were going.  The last time I saw him was on Super Bowl Sunday, and he wasn’t exactly the friendliest.  As I’ve mentioned before, we have a lot of mutual friends.  Basically everyone I partied with/hung out with in college is friends with him too.  I’m a bit closer to them than he is, but we still all hang out together on occasion.  Earlier that weekend, I had told all the guys that I wanted to watch the Super Bowl with them and I mentioned that they should invite “the neighbors” (a.k.a. “Future Hubby” and his roomie – they were neighbors to the guys I hang out with back in college).  I honestly didn’t think he’d be there and I figured I’d just text him when I got there and invite him to watch with us.  Well he was there.  And he was the first person to see me as I walked up to their table.  And he didn’t look happy to see me at all.

The entire time he was just really quiet, not very talkative, which really isn’t like him.  He’s a Gemini like me, and we’re all so very talkative.  Anyways, I tried talking to him a bit but he just looked peeved, so I did what I do best – I flirted with every other guy at the table.  I figured it wouldn’t matter anyways since they’re all our friends and he knows I don’t want any of them.  Plus he wasn’t being so friendly, and that’s what I do to retaliate.  Initially I don’t think he really cared, but by the end of the night I was getting comments like, “Yeah I’m SURE you know him” when I was talking to the only other girl at the table about a guy I know that she thought was hot (I wasn’t even talking to him…) and comments insinuating that I’m a whore.  Which is dumb, because he was talking to a girl he knew from a strip club for awhile, though he denied her pretty harshly when she asked him if he and the other guys wanted to go to the strip club.   Anyways, when he WAS talking to me, he was going against EVERYTHING I said.  I could have said the sky was blue, and I swear he would say it’s purple, just to antagonize me.  Let’s just say, the night didn’t end so happily for me.

This isn't our situation, I just thought it was an interesting situation.  Especially considering I have a hard time telling guys I like them.

This isn’t our situation, I just thought it was an interesting situation. Especially considering I have a hard time telling guys I like them.

The weekend before Valentine’s Day week, I ended up guest bartending at a bar/club downtown in which I told him if he came in I would give him free drinks.  He had sprained his ankle so he wasn’t going out at all that weekend.  I tried to get in touch with him the night after to see if he wanted to hang out, but of course no response.  Finally I get a response after asking if he was alive and I told him I would have offered to come over and hang out with him, but I was already at work.  All I got in response was, “I was fine.”  So clearly, he just wasn’t having it.  I decided to not speak to him during Valentine’s Day week, nor anytime thereafter.  Besides he was in Jackson Hole skiing with the fam.  Fast forward to now…basically I was just sick of not hearing from him and not knowing.  And I was watching The Biggest Loser and it was “Face Your Fears” week.  So I took a cue and faced my fear of telling people how I feel.  And this is how it went (keep in mind, his texts are emotionless…they always have been):

Moi: You said awhile back that you thought we should get to know each other and that we’ve never hung out somewhere that wasn’t a loud bar.  But I feel like lately every time I try to hang out with you, let alone talk to you, you either ignore me or make up some excuse.  So please just be honest with me, did you just say all that stuff because you were drunk or did you actually mean it??  (Thank you to Miss Jane Champagne for that last line…though I tweaked it a bit)

“Future Hubby”: I am just not interested right now

“Future Hubby”: (10 minutes later) I’m sorry, I just need to be honest with you (pretty sure that’s what I told you to do….)

Moi: Thank you for being honest.  I hope we can still hang out sometime as friends.

“Future Hubby”: Ya sure (I swear this isn’t sarcasm, that’s just really how he texts)

I was just going to leave it at that, but if you know me, I can’t leave things alone.  I’ve gotta drive a point behind everything and make people feel somewhat bad.  Or at least make them feel guilty.  So I ended it with this:

Moi: (40 minutes later) Just a tip for the future – don’t say things you don’t intend on following through with.  It’s mean.  And hurtful.

So yep.  That all happened.  On a side note, If you’re just going to comment some rude, hateful, “Of course he never liked you” bullshit, save your words and time.  I don’t need that right now.

So yes, I’m heartbroken.  I am glad, however, that I mustered up the courage to tell him how I felt, and I feel that was a huge stepping stone for myself.  I honestly expected him to flip shit (since a lot of men boys do), but he didn’t.  Because of this, I feel I can be honest with him about absolutely anything in the future (I mean, we ARE still friends, so we’ll have to see each other eventually).

Anyways, I cried a bit.  Texted some friends for support.  Cursed the guys that “Future Hubby” and I hang out with (I feel they are partially to be blamed by their single, blatantly-hitting-on-women-relentlessly ways…he’s not like that, but I know that behavior rubs off to a certain extent).  And that’s that.  I think in my heart of hearts, I knew that it wasn’t our time yet.  When you go from calling each other “hubby” and “wifey” to all of a sudden hooking up and seeing where things may go, and with so many people getting married and engaged, including people we both know, it’s a bit frightening.

I will say I am thankful for what little thing it was that we had together.  I still do care about him, but there’s nothing I can do about how he feels.  All I can hope for is a change of heart in the future.  Or for me to find someone else.

So for now, I’m going to work on me and just being happy again.  I just got a new job that I will be starting in 2 weeks and hopefully will be moving sooner rather than later.  And hopefully, all those wonderful positive things will keep my mind off the negative.  🙂

“I like you. Do do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe.”

When we were all younger, innocent and naive to the world, we would write notes that said this to the ones we liked on 3-hole punched lined paper (does that still exist??), in hopes that they would check the box marked “yes.”  God, if only life and relationships were really THAT easy…

doyoulikeme

So this has to be my biggest downfall in dating/relationships, and I’m hoping I am not the only one out there with this issue.  But I HAVE A PROBLEM TELLING GUYS I LIKE THEM.  Seriously.  It’s an issue.

Once upon a time, I used to be really good at it.  After a couple of weeks or so, I would tell a guy just how I felt about him.  Now, I’m not saying I got the response I wanted all the time, but I was at least able to do it.  Now, having been hurt so many times, I’m so scared of ruining whatever is going on with a guy, that I’m too scared to straight up tell a guy I like him and I just continue with whatever is going on at the moment.  Which is both great and horrible at the same time.

Reasons Why It’s Great:

-There’s usually  no drama

-No one is ever angry at the other for misunderstandings

-Going with the flow usually makes things easier and there’s no pressure or expectations

-The “awkward conversation” (as I like to call it) never has to happen

-I never get rejected

Reasons Why It’s Horrible:

-Guys never realize I actually like them (in my head, guys should just assume I like them if I act a certain way around them…stupid I know)

-I end up hurting myself by overthinking things and making things up in my head

-If I talk (a.k.a. flirt) with another guy, the guy I like automatically thinks I’m a whore or that I’m not serious about him which then leads to…

-Him finding a girlfriend.  Who isn’t me.

-Some things go on longer than they ever should

-I never know where I stand with a guy or what I can/can’t/should/shouldn’t do, as far as being able to date other men at the same time or not

-Someone usually gets hurt…and that someone is usually me.

ilikeyou

Oh if only real life had a Facebook like button…

As one can see, clearly the horrible reasons outweigh the great reasons.

So what I guess I’m trying to get at with this post is that I need a few pointers on growing some balls and telling a guy I like him.  Ladies, what are some of your tips on telling guys you like them??  Gentleman, how would you like a woman to tell you she likes you?  And don’t answer with, “Just straight up tell him,” because that doesn’t help the situation.  Also, hints and insinuations isn’t the answer here either, considering I do that constantly and still get nowhere.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!

Random: Why Sometimes “Games” Are Necessary

In dating and at the beginning of relationships, it’s the one thing we all love to hate.  We go on and on about how much we hate playing games with people and hate how people play games with us, yet at the end of the day, we find ourselves playing them too.  In fact, I can personally say for myself if there isn’t a little bit of a chase and a little bit of uncertainty at the very beginning, I’m probably not going to be interested.  Obviously, if two people are already in a relationship and games are still being played, that just makes the game player in that relationship an asshole and they probably shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

Anyways, what I’m trying to get at here is my belief that there are instances when playing “the game” (or games in general) is necessary.  I’m not saying I condone it to the fullest degree; only on certain occasions and in certain situations.  I honestly didn’t even consider this a topic to write about until I exchanged a couple of text messages with “Snoop” earlier in the day in which I believe further proves that games need to be played in some instances.  So I’ve come up with a (short) list of situations I believe need some game play.

1.) When They’re Just Not Getting It… Here is where my example with “Snoop” comes in.  I was going to just feature these texts in my He Said What?! section, but I felt the need to further explore these texts and analyze them.  Note that these texts were sent to me after I had already ignored some of his previously forward (in my opinion) texts and had been somewhat short with him (my commentary in parenthetical and texts written verbatim, as always):

“Snoop”: I was thinkin about u just wantd 2 check up on u…I really just wantd 2 say i like u and i want u 😉  (definitely not what I’m wanting to see at 10am when I had just gotten home from a flight from the West coast in which I had gotten drunk the previous night, was still drunk during my flight, and was VERY slowly sobering up/becoming hungover)

-Moi: I’m sorry, you’re a cool guy and all, but I am not interested in you in that way.  I apologize if I made you think otherwise.  But I would like to be friends. (Note my impeccable spelling and grammar…;-))

-“Snoop”: Thats fine.  I am attractd 2 u.  I really meant like a joke….But friends is fine..I want 2 get 2 kno u..I’m not the type 2 make a decsion like that…Its frm the boondocks if u watch the sho (Really?  Way to completely retract what you had initially said and to assume that I even know what Boondocks is…the only Boondocks I know is “The Boondock Saints” and that’s a whole other story)

In this instance, as one can see, I had straight up told this gentleman I was not interested.  Even though we had had a great date, I’m just not attracted to him in a sexual way.  Before I had told him that I was not interested in him, I had ignored a couple of text messages and gave him short, but still cordial, responses.  I never indicated any attraction whatsoever.  When I told him straight up that I was not interested, I get some weird response back.  First off, although he truly may have been joking, would a guy really send that to a girl he barely knows that he’s obviously attracted to if he was just joking?  No.  Secondly, why preface “it was a joke!” with “I am attracted to you?”  Is it just me, or does that not make sense?  And if you read it in a different way, it’s almost as if he’s saying he meant that he was attracted to me as a joke??

Anyways, as far as game play with this one, since I’ve already told him how I feel and was straight up, the only thing I can think of to deter him from myself is to either tell him I have a boyfriend, or if I see him out ever, aggressively flirt with someone else.

2.) When I Really Like Someone, But Am Too Scared to Become Vulnerable... I know, this one sounds both weird and selfish.  And yes, it is both of those 100%.  I’m not saying this so that people will be like, “Oh poor girl, she’s just always getting hurt!  I pity her!”  I’m saying this because it’s the truth.  I get hurt.  A lot.  I guess you could say I have the unfortunate characteristic of caring far too much for people who maybe don’t care about me as much or are unwilling to express their care for me.  As I’ve said numerous times, I don’t find a connection with men very often, so when I do, I truly fall hard.  And in falling hard comes the caring.  But it’s to the point where I feel like I’ve been hurt so much that I am terrified of it happening again and one day just falling apart completely.  So when I really like a guy, I tend to act like I don’t like him.  For example, we may have spent the previous night all over each other, but if I see him the next day, I’ll be distant.  Sometimes I’ll barely even talk to the guy and maybe will even flirt with other guys in front of him, including his friends.  Obviously, this has it’s downfalls (big downfalls), but it’s my way of keeping myself from getting attached to a guy.  It doesn’t always work, but it certainly does help.  So yes, this one is a very selfish reason as to why to play games, but it helps keep my heart in one piece.

3.) When I’m Not 100% Sure How a Guy Feels About Me…If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that in my past, I’ve always put my eggs in one basket.  If I really liked a guy, even without knowledge of how he felt about me,  it was all about him, even if I would still go around and flirt with other guys.  Even if I chatted it up with other guys, that one guy would always be in the back of my head.  I’m a really social and flirty person, so for me, flirting is basically like saying hello.  Anyhoo, I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve decided keeping my options completely open is the best way for me.  I guess this wouldn’t really be considered playing games, but in some ways it kind of is…depending on who you ask.  And what I mean by completely open is talking to all guys and every guy who crosses my path.  For example, while I think I do have a connection with “TOWWETB” (we still haven’t gone on an official date…I’m working on it), I’ve also been talking to “Mr. Big (Present)” a bit (yes, even though he has a girlfriend…I told you I’m keeping my options open!) and still have my eye on my guy(s) at the gym, amongst other men.  Obviously, if things were to really progress with one of these men and I knew that he really did like me and only me, I would cut ties to all these other men.  But until I am 100% sure about how a guy feels about me, I’m going to be keeping my options wide open…so any takers out there??  😉

Random: Tell Me How You REALLY Feel…

I’ve been trying to think of a topic for some time now for a random entry since I’ve been slacking on both dates and just writing random in-between entries.  Though as I was talking to a friend last night (one of the select few men who know about my blog..well one of the few that I knowingly have told about my blog to) and asking for dating advice from a guys perspective, he unknowingly gave me the idea for my next topic.  Woohoo =).  You know who you are, thank you so much!  =)

So here we go.

We can all attest that the female brain and the male brain are two completely different entities in the sense that women and men never view things the same way.  On the rare occasions that they do, there’s always some slight differences.  Many times, these opposing perspectives that we have due to our biological differences is the culprit behind our disagreements, arguments, and full blown screaming matches.  We (speaking as a woman, and I’m sure men do this at times as well) assume that the opposite sex understands what we mean by our actions, insinuations, innuendos, and then proceed to get mad when they don’t or when a situation doesn’t go how we thought it would based on the above listed.  Then they get mad because we’re mad over something they didn’t know was going to make us mad, and at the end of the day, everyone is just pissed and crying.  All because of assumptions.  If we all just said what we really meant instead of beating around the bush (I know this blog is about dating, and thoughts of sex come with dating, but I didn’t mean that in a gross way for all you sick fucks out there), we would all be much happier.  Okay, maybe there would be situations where shit would hit the fan instead of going in our way…but at least there’s no confusion and everything is out on the table, right?

Exactly. Case and point.

 

I’m writing about this topic because I think at some point in our lives (if not currently), we’ve all been in this situation when it comes to dating, relationships, crushes, etc.  We’ve all wanted to tell someone how we really feel , but because we’re chicken shit, we instead do things and say things that relate to what we want to actually say without having to actually say what it is we want to say (wow, that was confusing…:-/).  And this can be confusing to the opposite sex, as they may misinterpret what you actually meant by what you said into something completely different.  Is this their fault?  No.  Is this your fault?  Kind of.  Either way, everything can be blamed on our biological differences and differences in how our minds work.  But because we cannot change an innate behavior or way of thinking, we must try and work around this…by fully explaining ourselves to the best of our ability and being completely truthful in a direct way.  And while this may be scary and difficult, it’s the only way for both sexes to fully understand one another.

I most definitely struggle with this issue myself.  In society, girls are told not to tell guys their feelings and to play games and be coy.  This is supposedly how to keep a guy interested in you and coming back for more.  While I have mastered those things to a T and it has worked to a certain extent, being that way has also fucked me over many times.  In fact, I’m pretty sure the last couple of guys I’ve liked/dated/hooked up with found other girls because I was so aloof when it came to expressing how I truly felt.  I would just ignore “the talk” all-together and through my actions assume they knew how I felt.  It didn’t help that some of my girlfriends gave me the advice to be distant and not show interest (thanks bitches…yes I mean that in a mean way).  Clearly, listening to these dummy girls (sorry, just saying it how it is) fucked me over in the end and inevitably, by listening to stupidity, I fucked myself over.  I’ve also been hurt many times in the past…many would say more than I deserve.  Because of this, I also tend to retreat when the topic of how I really feel comes up.  I guess I just have this mentality that if everything is going right, even if it may not be exactly what I want, why should I fuck it up by talking about feelings or the “next step”?

Another depiction of the variances between the female and male brain.

This year, I have decided to change this about myself.  Not only is this written in my New Years resolutions (which I have actually kept a lot of!), but it’s something that I feel I really need to change.  I’m going to be completely honest with how I feel for guys that come into my life (depending on the situation, of course) and not be scared to tell them how I really feel.  Yes, this will probably backfire a couple of times.  But so what?  Better to know that they don’t feel the same way back than to spend all my time chasing down someone who never felt the same way for me than I did for them, right?

That way I can move onto new prospects and more dates.  =)